Regret #3

I should have made a big deal about our anniversary. It was the only holiday that was about "us" being an "us".

Why I like to eat out

In trying to solve my struggle with weight loss, I've been trying to tackle the question of why I like to eat out. I always feel guilty afterwards, I can't afford it, so why do I keep doing it?

I think its because I'm so lonely. Because for a moment, other humans are interacting with you. They have to be nice to you, and then afterwards you get that warm glow any animal would get from food in the belly.

But then its over.

So I need to think past that so I can stop eating out and save some money.

Ridiculously stupid

You want to hear something incredibly pitiful?

Even though I've quit, I don't want to delete my ffxi character because I have all the carnations and the ash club+1 that you gave me and I don't want those to go away.

Today is a bit better

Partly because the day was half gone with meetings. I have a black cloud around me, but its not as bad as it was on Friday.

Will you ever read these? Unlikely. But its helping me to explain this to you, because I never could get these thoughts out verbally and never all at once. They were so overwhelming its like the small path from my brain to my mouth clogged up and nothing got out.

Remember when you used to get mad and say you never got to see your friends because you lived all the way out here? I thought you wanted a house with an office. I thought this is what you wanted. When my parents asked if we wanted to live in a house here you were excited about it, and then you made me feel guilty for it, as if it was my fault we were cut off from everyone, as if it was my fault we were wilting. I tried to give you everything you wanted but it was never enough to see you flourish.

So when you emailed me the other day to say you were taking up leadership positions at work and seeing someone new and you sounded so strong and so happy I knew it was true, that I was the reason you were so unhappy for so long. As much as I loved you and tried everything I knew how to make you happy it wasn't good enough. My best effort failed.

Making bread

Going through the HEB tonight, I kept having visions of tomorrow at the work Xmas party where I will surely see my coworkers leaving the bread I made on their plates, one bite taken, the rest discarded. Keep thinking of how they will be politely trying to not tell me how awful is the food I made and I'm remembering why I was so scared to make birthday cakes.

I didn't want to fail again. I couldn't take seeing that look on your face but you'd always try to eat enough of what I made for a good show, but I could see it. That's if I could get the food out of the pan. I think I'm the only human that had to throw out a bundt pan when making a box cake.

So I stopped. Stopped trying to cook, stopped at a lot of things. Stopped trying to look pretty, stopped trying to impress you.

Why did it matter so much to me that you were impressed? Why did I have to prove something this way? This was a flaw in myself, that I wanted you to tell other people how good I was at something, that I wanted to see the respect in your eyes. That somehow, through you, I would respect myself finally.

Ok enough trying to figure this out. Finn just walked in here smacking his poop snack and brought me back into the pitiful present. I yelled at him to get out so he checked his dick. That made me yell again, so he checked his butt.

He's very much a Finn Dog.

edit: like all my baking endeavors, I gathered my courage to go make bread (even though I was out of one of the ingredients, as usual) and found out that I have no mixer. I'd forgotten I'd taken it to your apt for the last pizza you would ever make me. So tomorrow, early, I'm getting up and going to HEB to buy bread.

day 2

Haven't experienced a lighter mood, but I have experienced the side effects so far, especially the drowsiness. I think I'm yawning like every other minute. It made today a really long day at work. I came home at lunch and took a nap.

Still haven't exercised since like Wednesday. I'm worried about that a lot, but Michelle really wants me to meet her for dinner at Chuys and with everything going on with her right now, I can't turn her down.

Tonight I'm supposed to make bread for a Xmas party at work. I told myself I'm actually going to do it and not get tired and depressed and end up buying bread at HEB.

I was going through the pantry looking for ingredients for the bread and saw a cake mix and birthday candles I'd bought to make a cake for your birthday James. List that as a number two regret.

Why was I so afraid?

medicated

Today I started the Cymbalta. I'm hoping that this will stop me from sabotaging anything that may come into my life in the future that is good.

Its twice a day, associated with liver problems, but I'm supposed to check in with the dr in a month and I guess he'll check that. At least this one isn't associated with massive weight gain like the last one he prescribed me; that wouldn't help my happiness at all. A friend of mine is on this same med and she seems like she's had a total turn around. Right now I wouldn't care if my personality took a complete 180. I need something to help me get through the next 50 years.

Oh and this one can cause drowsiness. uh-oh.

I've already been sleeping a lot, but that's ok. There's nothing interesting to be awake for anyway.

Bleh, my stomach hurts. And despite what people say, dark chocolate is not yummy

:-@~~~~

raking leaves

Today has been a better day. Though the grey clouds are still on the horizon, I'm not crying nonstop and that's a positive. I've been working a little on my freelance project, logged into ffxi to begin the big gear sell-off so when I cancel the account I can give my remaining friends my gil and certain pieces of gear, went to Home Depot to pick up paint chips for the exterior house paint project I'll be doing during Xmas, and I raked leaves.

Raking leaves helped me remember some of why the marriage fell apart.

I remembered raking leaves each year by myself and resenting you being inside playing games, surfing the internet or doing "work" instead of making time to do things with me. These were the times when I convinced myself there was no longer a "team".

But today, I realized that I should have come out and said "I would really like it if you would take time to help me in the yard. It won't be as painful if we do it together." Instead, I quietly went out alone and resented you for not reading my heart.

In fact I should have asked you to accompany me more often instead of letting you go back into your office to "work". I should have told you how much it would have meant to me to have you there with me while I did all the home maintenance or gone with me on my walks. Maybe if you'd been there I wouldn't have talked myself into believing that there was no other choice in the end.

I don't blame you. How were you to know that I really wanted you there? I never told you. I told you instead that it was fine that you went back into your room and did your thing. I thought I was being supportive of whatever project you were doing and you'd appreciate me for it.

So list that as a regret of mine -> not telling you these things. But I am going to learn to forgive myself this eventually because honestly I don't know that I recognized it at the time that my resentment over this was growing. I think I was so focused on being a good wife to support you while you pursued your dreams that I didnt stop to think that I was lonely. Or that I should have asked you to make time for these mundane things that I felt I had to shoulder alone.

I am a monster

Dear James,

I am so very sorry. I was at R's tonight pacing in her house trapped following the ghost of you around realizing the hell I put you through. I dont know why it took me this long to recognize what I'd done. I don't know why I finally feel like I'm waking up as if from a dream. How could I have done something so horrible to the man who loved me? How does God continue to let someone like me live?

I know you don't read this but maybe someday you will and I want you to know that you never deserved this and I don't want to write this to you directly bec you've finally freed yourself of me and I don't want to pull you back into my misery.

I still love you so much and because of that I have to let you go. I am a horrible horrible waste of flesh and you never deserved the hell of being with me, I'm sorry.

I pray God will make my heart stop beating so I don't have to look at myself in the mirror again. I am so very sorry.

e

love affair

I have always and will likely continue to have a lifelong love affair with self hatred. This romance is in full bloom right now and is scented with self destruction, guilt and bitter remorse.

I've mostly accepted that my life, for most purposes, is over and I'm waiting for the universe to take pity on me finally. But like the knight in Seventh Sign, I am hoping that I'm given the chance to do one good thing.

When I am despot

I am going to endevour to write down the things that I will change when I become world despot:

1. Templates within InDesign will work as they should.
2. Microsoft Publisher will be eliminated from the world and all references to it erased from history.
3. I will re-organize the IRS. Taxes will no longer be based on income. A much simpler system will be implemented in which you are taxed based on your ability to spell. This should generate much more revenue for the government.
4. Spontaneous driving tests will be given to all drivers, generally at four-way stops. Those failing to understand the etiquette and procedure of a four-way stop will have their license and shoes revoked.
5. There will no longer be any one-way streets.
6. BobFM, the radio station, will immediately stop referring to "Bob" as a person, and the actors on those commercials will be shot.

Finn and Teddi found a friend

Apparently I've been mistaken. The critter getting into the back porch and peeing and eating Monster's food has not been a racoon, its been a possum. I was wondering this morning as I was getting ready for work why Finn was making a weird bark in the back yard.

ffxi linkshell snippet

Xyon: Hey Gar, did you see that documentary 'kung fu killers'?
Garyuu: I don't like to watch documentaries about myself.

(short pause)
Spider: You killed Kung Fu?
Garyuu: Kung Fu challenged me. Kung Fu lost.

National Talk Like a Pirate Day

Am I a Monster?

Why are little girls scared of me? I stare at my photos and try to figure it out and I can't. Why do I intimidate people? I don't know what it is and its killing me.



I know how Frida felt when she painted this:

My Friends in the Dark

the other night I got to go to Kerby Lane with five of my beautiful friends. Here are some pictures of them as we sat in the dimly lit patio talking about everything.

This is the beautiful M who doesn't recognize how lovely she really is.


R, the "divas" role model, cook, poet, creator of knicknames and instigator


Michelle, showing off her new haircut


Iron Katherine, who inspires me everytime I'm running, and keeps me from giving up



Claire, who for some reason is always blurry in my pictures. I think because everytime she knows her picture is taking, she starts moving and making faces.


A picture of M's ear which for some reason I had to have a picture of

Not Been Grateful

I've been negligent on my posting of what I'm grateful for.

So here's some:

1. Tonight I get to hang out with my friends at Kerbey Lane: M, R, michelle, ironkat and claire. I am grateful that my life is such that I can drive places to see friends and eat out. I might be low on funds, but I can still eat out occasionally.

2. Yesterday I got to eat with my parents at Wildfire. I am grateful, so very grateful, both of my parents are alive when I'm old enough to appreciate them. And I might not like their politics and sometimes I get really really mad at them, but I do love them very much and for the most part we're pretty decent friends. I'm working on being more open with them about regular things.

3. I'm grateful I'm smart. I've been doing some amazing things with the beta of my test template for the work website. Gonna use xpath, ajax, javascript div showing and hiding, etc.

4. I'm grateful that I'm healthy. In fact I'm really really healthy. I've been running, kickboxing and doing the cardio at the rec center AND eating better. Taking my lunches to work (inspired by M!) and taking a lot of vitamins. In Oct I am wanting to get a physical so I can see how awesome a job I've done.

Update:
I've found out why I haven't heard from CNN - my salary requirements were way too high for their entry level web techs. Oh well.

J.K. is very very angry and wants nothing to do with me now and maybe forever. I am working hard on staying out of his way as much as possible. I hate that he's hurting and wish I could fix it and I regret a number of things that I've done, but I know we're both moving toward a better place. I just have to hope someday he recognizes how much he deserves from life and that he finds it.

Boss has stopped hitting on me, which is good, but now he really won't speak to me at all. Negative of that is that I'm unlikely to get a bonus this year since I'm now in a 'doghouse' of sorts, but there's nothing I can do about that. Let's hope he doesn't explode when I deliver the documents I'm gonna submit for a salary adjustment. Should be an interesting next couple of months.

Billy wants me to write him some letters of recommendation for the graduate programs he's applying to and its making me incredibly nervous. I don't want his chances screwed up because I didn't target the audience of the letter correctly or because they don't like the things I've said, the order I said them or the way I said it. Its a big responsibility but I'm gonna work on them this wkend.



Prof. Heng is wanting me to make her a logo and site design for her new globalization project and that makes me nervous too. I've never really been a designer, and even though I did a really good job on her previous site (above), that was more of a fluke and I for sure can't do a good logo. And I told her that, but she really wants this, so I'll do it. I've been trying to think in my head of what is homogenous across the middle ages (non-Euro-Centric), and the only thing I can come up with is the North Star.

I camped Leaping Lizzy last night and got bounding boots! Yay! I camped an nm successfully. It was a rush. So now I'm gonna camp the emperor a lot. Hopefully I can get a hairpin. And this weekend Gar is wanting help killing a scythe ws nm, so I will be doing that as well as maybe meriting online.

Also going to try to dig in the front yard and work on the front area. I've been putting it off and I'd like to see the front yard a little cleaner. Need to mow too. And finish up the wallpaper in the bathroom. Have to be careful not to be tempted to go to Lowes and spend a ton of $$ because I'm doing well financially as long as I don't buy anything :p Soon as I buy anything, I'm in the hole. So there's gonna be a lot of eating at home and holding off on home improvements for the next couple months.

I will miss you

The revealing of an origin story for some of you although some of you already know the origin of my online name. (Its more complicated a story than I'm making it into below, involving the attempt of trying to come up with a unique email name with which to open a hotmail account without having 8 numbers after the name. This attempt led me to look around my office at the things which I kept around me, including, in this case, some treasured panels from a comic book which I'd framed and had on my desk.)

So there's a comic called The Dreaming which was a spin off of The Sandman. Unlike The Sandman which was written by Neil Gaiman, this was written by Caitlin Kiernan and was based off the lives of the secondary characters that were in The Sandman. One of the issues focused on two of my favorite characters, Lucien and Eve. Lucien was the librarian of the King of Dreams for millenia and had previously been the King of Dreams' raven. He was contemplating ending his life. The issue dealt with his regrets of not recognizing what in life was important - the people who loved him that he'd been too wrapped up in common life to appreciate.

Eve, was "the" Eve, mother of Cain and Abel who upon her death, had been offered the chance to live in the realm of dreams rather than pass on.

Eve and Lucien were good friends, so when Lucien was thinking about killing himself, he came to see Eve.




From a strict English analysis though, by making that into a name, if you re-read the paragraph that would make me Eve, which is a bit of an irony, mother of mankind, mother of sorrow etc.

Which leads to Missy's challenge: to name every day something for which I am grateful. Today was a day of endings and when I was incredibly sad in the car on the way back from the park, I noticed the sky. I am grateful for the sky. Especially the Texas sky which is magnificent.

friends

It is when you are going through something really difficult and have to talk out your feelings over and over that you know the value of your friends. The ones that sit and listen to you, comfort you when you're sad, continue to see you even when you're no fun and cause them awkwardness, offer advice even when its something you don't want to hear and shut up when its something you have to learn for yourself - those are your true friends.

I have from the events this year learned that I have chosen very well when it comes to friends. This is my "grateful" for today. I am so very grateful for M, R, Master Poet, Quiz, Ln, Red, Mero, Jaeda, Gar and J.K.

J.K. who has remained my friend despite the cost is someone whose strength I will never find another to compare to.

On a random note, above is a picture of me that I am fond of (in brown shirt), taken recently. Also another picture of me 15 years ago (to the right, in the jacket). It is so very obvious that I am much older than I used to be, but looking at the two pics makes me think I am now someone I like much better.

Off to kickboxing soon. Get to hit on things and release frustration, of which I have lots. Oh! two things. I faxed in my background check to volunteer at ABC to tutor GED applicants (yay!), and I found out you can't run the 1/2 marathon with an ipod on. How could they do this to me?

Grateful

This is a moment (and I've been having more and more of them) that I am very grateful for the friends I have, my family, my home, my health, and the good things in my life. M has posted to her blog that this month she is going to try to post every day about something she is thankful for. I am going to try to do the same thing and since its already the 4th I have to do four things.

1. I am grateful that I am strong and healthy. I think right now I am in the best shape I've ever been in in my life even if I am not at my target weight (almost!). I worked out incredibly hard tonight at the rec center and I feel good.

2. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and I can pay the bills.

3. I am grateful that I was married to J.K. who was a wonderful man who loved me and made me feel special.

4. I am grateful for the clouds in the sky above and that they have different shapes and textures and make the sky more beautiful when the different ones mix together.

Five year goals and volunteering

As you probably know, I have been struggling with several things:
1. Loneliness
2. Lack of a sense of purpose
3. Questions about whether I'm not meant to be a mom because of some cosmic purpose or whether just coincidence

Well I recently decided on two five year goals:
1. I will purchase the place I live
2. I will adopt a child by my 40th birthday

#1 means I need to figure out where I'm going to be living/working. If I am staying in this area, I could either buy a condo in Austin and therefore be closer to things to do and be around more single people and not have to deal with taking care of a yard and such a large house or else I could buy the house I'm living in. Buying the house I'm living in would give me advantages such as not having to figure out what to do about Monster and Finn so soon, not needing as large a down payment saved up, having equity from the start, not having moving expenses. So I decided this weekend that if I stay in Austin, which seems likely as CNN hasn't written me back, I will buy the house. Financially, its the smarter move even if emotionally it might not be. I will have to commute into Austin for entertainment and someday another job but oh well.


But #1 is necessary for #2. But there's also the question of whether I should be a mom or not that I have to answer first. So I'm thinking of volunteering at some kid-focused charities in the meantime. I'm going to start with Any Baby Can, but first do the older kids focused things like GED preparation tutoring http://www.abcaus.org/. I'm going to fill out my application today or tomorrow and see what they have to say.

I asked M her opinion on whether or not volunteering at ABC will be a bad idea considering my fragileness about child issues, and she didn't exactly answer until I said I would be helping the GED aged kids. She seems certain that won't be a bad idea, but her hesistating when I first brought up the subject I think is very telling. I was suspecting it myself. And it will be hard being with a charity that helps abused, impoverished, challenged and neglected kids because seeing that always makes me wonder why the universe has decided I'm not a good bet to give a kid to and some of these other lowlifes are, but maybe this is another one of those things I'm supposed to be learning something from.

January 27, 2008 - My first half marathon!

Ok so I went to Austin to do the 7 mile trail last Sunday morning. I've done this trail twice before, but both times I did it with Hunter, so it was easier to do and harder to back out of because people were expecting me. This time it could have been really easy to chicken out and make excuses why I couldn't go and/or to give up running some part of the way on the trail and walk. But I didn't, I ran the whole thing. I even moderately sprinted the last mile. Yay!

And at the end I felt like I am just about ready to make a 10 mi run my "long run". Maybe after another couple times doing the 7 mile trail.

But that also means I think I am ready to commit to a half marathon. 1/27/08 is going to be my first half. Its the 3M half marathon and is supposed to be a really good one, according to Runner's Magazine. Its one way and mostly downhill. I'm making my parents go to meet me at the end and drive me home (they don't know the 'drive me home' part).

I'm excited. As a reward for doing the 7 alone, I bought myself a new pair of shoes at Academy on the way home and they're a step above the running shoes I've been getting. New Balance, of course.

And this is my first 10k which I will be doing with M on October 21. I think Michelle (R's friend from work who seems really cool) is also doing it. Michelle is asking about running with me the 7 mile loop. I worry about running out of things to talk to her about if we run together and how she could get really grossed out by sweaty me. :p

Then there's the Livestrong, which I'm also doing with M - Oct 13.

last night's dream

Ok this trumps the one in which I was an Egyptian Sungod living in an abandoned subway tunnel.

Monster and I were staying with some friends in a big city who lived in an apt that was underneath a tram and it was cool to hear the noises of the tram that ran overhead. That part isn't really integral to the rest of the plot of the dream, but it was still cool.

Monster was still a kitty but somehow she and I could understand each other. Its not like she talked or anything, but it was like somehow when she or I thought something, the other knew and we were friends instead of cat and cat owner, if that makes sense?

Anyway, these flamingos met us and told us that if we followed them down to meet their king, he would give us presents and grant us wishes, etc., but the King Flamingo lived down in these series of caves underneath the city and we had to follow them to where he was. So Monster and I started walking through the caves to the king flamingo and for some reason I was like 'w/e, i'm gonna go back, this is dumb, ' so I turned around and went back, but when I was back at the apt, I felt bad because Monster was there all alone and I knew that probably the flamingo minions were not telling us the truth about everything and she was in danger. So after a while, I headed back to the under-city caves and hurried to catch up with her.

So finally I did and then we entered the chamber where the king flamingo lived and he was giant, like sorta raptosaurus big, and he had teeth in his beak and I knew he was evil and that we'd been brought here to be his dinner. So I struck first. I attacked the king flamingo, placing a choke hold around his neck strangling him. He fought and tried to bite at me with his big toothy beak, but he couldn't reach me. The minion flamingos for some reason weren't helping the king, and finally he died when I stabbed him under his jaw with a pen or knife.

Monster and I stood there for a moment wondering why the minions weren't coming after us, but we decided it was best if we took off and got back to the city main level, so we left and went back to the apt and the original flamingos that led us through the caves showed up and gave us tshirts with flamingo icons on the front.

Courage

From wikipedia:
Courage, also known as bravery and fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation.

Since I read this definition, I've had problems with it, but didn't understand until last night what it was. Any definition should answer who, what, where, when, why and how.

Who is the person is doing the act (or not)
What is the ability to confront ....
Where is anywhere the person is tested
When is anytime the person is tested
How is the method with which they confronted x

But the definition doesn't address the 'why'

I think the why is that the person who is being tested by having to face something frightening has to have a hope that something of equal or greater value to the fear/pain/risk of loss might come as a result.

The main bulk of terrorists do "courageous" things (courageous in the sense that they are taking their bomb laden selves to certain death) because they feel that the result of the act will be something of greater value than their life, namely a place of honor in an afterlife or in history. That says to me that the key to stopping them from commiting these acts is not by making them fear death (a thing they've already come to terms with) or making them ashamed to cause their country to be destroyed by war (again this reality to them is not what matters), but the key to stopping them is to chisel at that hope that their acts will be looked upon with favor by God and history. By creating doubt of the result, you take away the foundation of the courage.

Today I turned in the notarized form 2 of 3 of the divorce papers that James signed. It was so far the hardest part. This divorce is painful and has caused me to lose something incredibly precious to me, but I have done it with the hope that from this, I will become someone who doesn't hope to not wake up in the morning. In a way this courageousness is closely resembling desperation. Did the Greeks remember to dream up a god of desperation when they defined the goddess, Fortitudo? They should be twins.

Happy Birthday G!!

Happy Birthday beautiful Gloria. I hope you have a perfect day today.

Nelson 5k

I beat my Chuy's time by 4 minutes. I haven't until now been able to beat it. I did the Nelson 5k in 28 mins and Katherine gave me some huge tips after the race of how to run better, so I get to practice that probably tomorrow :D

ROBOSAURUS OMG!

Tonight I went to the Robosaurus event at the Alamo Drafthouse. Robosaurus is a 60ft tall car eating dinosaur/robot. It was raining and umbrellas were not allowed, but it was still awesome and worth sitting in the rain.

Robosaurus preparing to eat the car. The cars were smashed and literally torn in half before he was done with them.

He's clearly worried about the advent of Robosaurus and his ilk beginning to populate our city.

This is me, rained on. Jess from work saw me, and I sat near him and his girlfriend in the stadium seats. I told Jess he is not allowed to tell anyone I was there because I've been decorating IT with transformers and I don't want anyone to make the connection about where they're coming from.

And yes, he even breathed fire.

More Pics from my Atlanta Trip

I left Austin and arrived in Houston late and missed my connecting flight to Atlanta by only a few minutes. I'd thought I had a good chance of making it to my flight even though it was a mile from the arriving terminal to the departing terminal, a train ride, and then another 1/2 mile run, but no go. But I thought it was ok because even if I had made it, my bags probably wouldn't so the delay would be good because I'd have my bags.

I was wrong.

Even though my bags had an extra 2.5 hours to make my rescheduled flight, they did not arrive in Atlanta with me, so when I got to Atlanta, I booked a room near the airport and scheduled to pick up my bags the next day. When I got to the room I didn't have power cords, sundries, toothbrush/paste, socks or anything and I was going to figure out where a Super Walmart was and buy some, but when I called Mero and told him where I was staying he said "where are you? Lock your doors" So I went to Walmart in the morning.

But this 1/2 day delay due to my bags meant I wouldn't be arriving in Hagen early enough to go to Savannah with Jaeda as I'd scheduled, but it was ok. By the time I did arrive in Hagen, it was dinnertime so we went to dinner and watched movies the rest of the night. Fennec and Kalus argued with each other most of the time and it was entertaining to listen to.

Grits!

I'd never had grits before and I figured it was appropriate to eat grits for the first time in Georgia. In addition to making me grits for breakfast, she made sausage, bacon, eggs, and toast. And when I finished my meal, she wanted to know why I wasn't eating more. It was crazy.

This is Jaeda. She's beautiful and doesn't know it.

This is Fennec and Kaluschan, Jaeda's sons. They were entertaining. I asked Fennec when I got there if he was going to teach me any more dirty words like he liked to shock me with on the game and he blushed, looked away, and said no.

Inside a Giant Alien

This is the Marriott downtown in Atlanta. I didn't stay there, but I was taken to see it. I think it looks like the inside of a giant alien.

Its been a while

Its been a while since I posted last. Several things of great significance have happened, but today I feel very much the same as I did on my last post. I feel very alone and tired and I'm struggling very hard not to be sad. I don't want to be sad and that's a start I guess. It used to be that sad was very comforting in its own way because you didn't have to fight anymore, just let it take you in its arms and look for what's familiar.

But today I don't want to be sad, so I'm fighting the chemical-based depression that's on me, but I think I'm losing the fight. But at least this time I fought it. I don't know.

I had 1/2 day off today but I ended up not doing anything with my time. I went to mangia in round rock and ate an individual carnivore (which is ironic) and read Abhorsen, the last in a 3 part series Billy gave me. The carnivore is ironic because I've been thinking a lot lately about why I need to give up meat. Missy suggested I first try meatless days and I like the sound of that. I am going to do meatless weekends. Fish isn't going to count toward meatless, but otherwise this is a good start. And maybe this will help force me to learn how to cook as most items out there are meat dishes. In addition to fish, I'm not counting eggs, or stuff that doesn't cause an animal to die like cheese, milk, etc. Just meat.

There's a job opening at Google I'm going to apply for but I'm positive I'm not educated enough to even get a call back, but I'm going to try anyway. This is my year and honestly they'd be a better company with me working for them and with as smart as they are, maybe they'll realize it. We'll see.

And since I wrote last, I've decided upon a long term life plan:

1. Purchase a place to live. No more renting. Condo would fit best. I'm going to have lunch with Katherine to hear her tips on condo shopping.
2. Save up to adopt a child.


Those are both long term, expensive and will be very hard, but I have a dream now and I'm not going to let it go. Short term goal is to lose the rest of the weight, which the meatless thing should help with. Have 25 lbs to go.

I guess that's everything. Extremely lonely, but surviving.

How To

I have been since March trying to fill my every hour with some kind of event or activity to keep myself busy and the result is someone who is tired all of the time, losing her memory from lack of good sleep, a victim of anxiety dreams and maker of bad choices. Its true that a lack of quality sleep can quickly degrade the brain's ability to function, and I am an example of that and it scares me.

So tonight I am participating in "downtime". I did not go to exercise, partly for what I've said above and partly because I have one of the biggest headaches I've had in a long time. Instead, I went to the video store and rented two movies with the intention of working on my website while watching them in the background. Couldn't get into my website (my ip address has changed and its locked me out) and the first movie I rented is depressing so I've turned it off.

So here I am, alone in a quiet house with an hour before I should go to bed.

I was never good at being alone before. I guess I was hoping that knowing myself better now than I did before James would help me discover ways to cope with loneliness, but it hasn't.

I wish my head would stop hurting.

Chat with Missy

Missy!: love you

me: really?

Missy!: tons
you are one of my favorite people

me: missy what if i have dymensia already
i think in general i'm 2 minutes away from a real nervous breakdown

Missy!: then I will have fun playing games on you
don't take this the wrong way, but that is how it should be
you are in a very strange place
not comfortable
scary
and unknown
you should be feeling the way you are

me: i'm gonna use the EAP

Missy!: my friend Kate, who just went through a divorce said this "I have to feel this in order to get past it"
please do
i love the eap

Sent at 10:53 AM on Friday

Missy!: G is coming to Daisy
to cheer us on

me: that's awesome!

Missy!: [nose smile]

Sent at 10:57 AM on Friday

me: M the day is beautiful and I have friends and family that love me and I have a lot of fun things that are planned in the near future and a good job then why am I so unhappy?
why does the idea that i could have a heart attack at any minute not bother me
why does part of me wish i would

Missy!: because, like me, we are sensative to chemicals and our environment, I have the same feelings, great life but why am I unhappy, I often feel guilty for feeling unhappy
the best of days can be thrown with chemicals alone
then add stressful situations to the mix and we crumble
not that we aren't strong
maybe we are too strong

me: james hates me

Missy!: why do you say that?

me: no reason
maybe just bec i think he should

Nicolas

I scanned in a photo Mom had of me and my old dog Nicolas when he was a puppy. Nicolas was my third real failure as a friend. Maybe fourth if you include my failure to stand up for myself time and time again.

I think about him every Christmas when I pull out this tiger ornament which is a duplicate of one I had when Nicolas lived with me. He'd chewed it up and I got so mad at him, partly from that and partly from how desperately he needed me. I soon afterwards dumped him on my mom. It wasn't fair to him - he was a puppy and he loved me. But it was right after David and I couldn't handle anyone needing me that much.

He later got hit by a truck at mom's house.

But some happy memories -> he used to love to bury things he thought were valuable even when he couldn't bury them. Mom would give him rawhides and he was inside where he couldn't dig a hole, so he would wait til no one was watching and then he'd sneak into the living room and hide them in the potted plants or behind the curtains. And he had the cutest tail that wagged of any dog I've ever seen. If he was playing tug of war with you, you could forget winning. Scottie dogs definitely have locking jaws.

Photo of great significance to me

A friend of mine took this photo for me because he knows I love the geese in my park so much. He said he was going into the J.C. Penny store in Indiana, a two-story building, and there were two geese sitting on top of the building honking loudly at the people below and flapping their wings at everyone. He said it seemed odd partly because there was no body of water nearby and partly because of the noise and the way the birds were acting.

When he went to take the photo, one of the geese took off. He apologized that he didn't get the shot a little quicker, but I think the photo is poetic exactly as it is.


I am trying to listen to the lesson the geese had to tell.

I need a haircut

Several things:
1. I can't apparently do the Bison stampede as they're not doing that anymore. I will however be doing the turkey trot and other 10ks in November.
2. I moved my blog from the old address to this new one for many reasons that are generally unimportant. I unfortunately could not get "halfaworldaway" which is the one I really wanted, so I may be moving it again when I find another phrase I find equally as significant to me. What I don't understand is it doesn't seem like anyone is using halfaworldaway so there are domain squatters on blogspot too, grrr.
2.5 I'm going to try to not use real names in posts anymore and I'm gonna try to clean up the posts I've already made.
3. I generally feel good about my life and the changes I've made. But sometimes I don't know if it is enough.
4. This weekend I am doing TWO 5Ks. The Chuy's one and one on mother's day called "the daisy". I'm doing this one for M because she is one of my favorite moms. She's not my mom specifically, but she's one of my favorite moms. And I am going to grow up and get over my not-being-able-to-be-a-mom-myself fixation, at least for this weekend. Ok ok I'm gonna try to get over it :p

Motive, Bison Stampede

Its official. I've decided to do a half marathon. My goal is to finish in under 4 hrs so I can get the finisher medal. Other than that, my goal is to not die.

Its in November. Chuys 5K is May 12th - two weeks!!!!!!

EDIT: I failed tonight :(
I didn't wake up in time this morning to do my 5k at the park so I decided to do it this evening. I went there with the goal to do the whole thing, jogging slow, without stopping. Not only did I have to stop, I had to walk about half of it.

Two reasons:
1. I'd been drinking Sobe Lean all day instead of water and I could taste it as my chest was tightening up.
2. I went too early and it was still super hot and the sun was in my face. I guess I'm not ready for heat running yet.

So I overheated. I'm not sad about it, but I'm mad at myself because I knew better. I should have waited to go until 7 instead of 6, but I wanted to get it done so I could get other things done tonight. :(
I came home defeated and ran a bit in my neighborhood, but I'm not giving up. I'm just smarter now and better aware of my immutable limits.

cool phrase i heard today

half-whackerjawed adj.

used in a sentence "I can't leave it half-whackerjawed"

In Your Face, every male I know

I just had my own private Karaoke session in my car during 94.7's 80's at 8, and came home and purchased THREE songs.

Are you ready? (Sam you should probably sit if you read this)
1. Jessie's Girl
2. Take on Me
3. Come on Eileen

my first sundress!

It has a detail stitched on it which makes it acceptable for me to own something so grown up and un-tough as a sundress :D

something just isn't quite right

The first line of "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups is "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. And its not quite right"

I look around at my life right now. I am decider of my own path. I can choose to do anything with my life. If I fail, its on me. If I succeed its me. I am my own person for the first time in my life and even though there are things that still scare me, fear doesn't stop me like it used to. I've done and seen so much in the past few months and I feel alive. I finally belong to me.

But something just isn't quite right.

Fortunes in my wallet

Fortune cookies rarely have real fortunes in them or even do they often have anything in them worth reading, prophesy based or not. So when you open a cookie and read something of value, its a special moment.

I have kept four strips of paper in my wallet from fortune cookies.

One isn't that cool, but it is a fortune:
"You will have good luck in the Spring"

The others I kept because they're awesome and I want to remember them:
"Fate loves the fearless"
"You have a remarkable power which you are not using"
"What you see in the mirror, and what you can be are two different images"

Quote of the day

Which does not supplant Quote of the Month:

"I welcome competition.... more people to crush, "
Rebecca 24 April 2007

serious me

Quote of the month

Its time to stop making excuses why you can't do something, and time to start making excuses why you can.
-Rebecca

In your face, fear of heights!

I guess I'm on a theme this week of getting over my fear of heights... I dunno, but I have been saying I'm going back to Main Event and climbing that wall and I did it! I gtalked with Billy today and asked him to go to Chuys with me and he said sure. So I picked him up, we drove to Chuys but it was packed, so I decided we'd go to the one on Lamar and I said, "I figure I'm gonna kidnap you to make you go to Main Event with me and we can climb the wall".

We didn't end up at Chuys, but instead went to Freebirds because he'd never eaten there before then on to Main Event. The guy who was supposed to be running the floor and fitting people in their harnesses seemed less than enthusiastic about his job, but I didn't let that get to me.

Billy said he'd never made it to the top either but he doesn't have a fear of heights, but he was really awesome encouraging me up a little more each time. He took the harder wall with the black knobs and he'd go up as high as I went and then fall back down whenever I did and finally we did a little bit more each time and made it to the top.

When I was struggling with trusting the rope, I made myself remember the glass floor and how I learned to trust my brain which told me it was safe despite what my heart said and I also remembered the description my friend Josh gave me of the electrical work he does hanging from a harness with no big soft pad beneath him. Those two things gave me the strength to put both my hands on the rope and lean back away from the wall.

I wish they gave first time bell ringers little souvenirs or ribbons.

Kickboxing

For those who haven't been there, this is what the martial arts school I go to looks like.

Mr. Goldade is on the left and Mr. Bond is on the right.

CN Tower!

Our last site to see in Toronto was the CN tower (cntower.ca)

I was afraid that I'd get dizzy from the height but it was actually not any big deal. I've had worse vertigo from leaning over the railing in the mall and looking down at the first floor than from this. Maybe its because the height was so absurd, or maybe it was because the building felt so solid, I dont know.

From a distance.


R is hyper riding up the glass elevator to the first observation deck:


We ate at the restaurant at the first level. The view of Toronto was amazing. Its neat looking down at the helicopters and tops of airplanes. I like this shot because R looks like the girl from Amelie, which is a movie I adore. Of course, R looks prettier than Amelie, but she has that same mischievious look in her eyes.


Shot of R and Lon on the glass floor which gives the person on the floor a view of a straight shot down. I waited a couple mins before getting on the floor, which I'm glad I did or else I would have assaulted the 10 year old girl who decided to jump up and down on the glass. Lon, who doesn't have a fear of heights said even he got vertigo.


Its funny when you first get on the floor, you don't really walk out onto it. You sort of hold your foot over it, testing it with your weight, even though you see all these people standing on it as well. Its interesting trying to teach yourself to completely disregard all instincts and go solely on what your higher level thought is telling you.



I'm really glad Rebecca made me do this. Lately I have been feeling lost and confused, especially about the way some of the relationships in my life are changing, but after this, I'm reminding myself that I need to trust that the glass floor I've been lying on is really there and even though it seems like everything around me will come crashing down, I need to trust that I'll be ok.