Today is a bit better

Partly because the day was half gone with meetings. I have a black cloud around me, but its not as bad as it was on Friday.

Will you ever read these? Unlikely. But its helping me to explain this to you, because I never could get these thoughts out verbally and never all at once. They were so overwhelming its like the small path from my brain to my mouth clogged up and nothing got out.

Remember when you used to get mad and say you never got to see your friends because you lived all the way out here? I thought you wanted a house with an office. I thought this is what you wanted. When my parents asked if we wanted to live in a house here you were excited about it, and then you made me feel guilty for it, as if it was my fault we were cut off from everyone, as if it was my fault we were wilting. I tried to give you everything you wanted but it was never enough to see you flourish.

So when you emailed me the other day to say you were taking up leadership positions at work and seeing someone new and you sounded so strong and so happy I knew it was true, that I was the reason you were so unhappy for so long. As much as I loved you and tried everything I knew how to make you happy it wasn't good enough. My best effort failed.