raking leaves

Today has been a better day. Though the grey clouds are still on the horizon, I'm not crying nonstop and that's a positive. I've been working a little on my freelance project, logged into ffxi to begin the big gear sell-off so when I cancel the account I can give my remaining friends my gil and certain pieces of gear, went to Home Depot to pick up paint chips for the exterior house paint project I'll be doing during Xmas, and I raked leaves.

Raking leaves helped me remember some of why the marriage fell apart.

I remembered raking leaves each year by myself and resenting you being inside playing games, surfing the internet or doing "work" instead of making time to do things with me. These were the times when I convinced myself there was no longer a "team".

But today, I realized that I should have come out and said "I would really like it if you would take time to help me in the yard. It won't be as painful if we do it together." Instead, I quietly went out alone and resented you for not reading my heart.

In fact I should have asked you to accompany me more often instead of letting you go back into your office to "work". I should have told you how much it would have meant to me to have you there with me while I did all the home maintenance or gone with me on my walks. Maybe if you'd been there I wouldn't have talked myself into believing that there was no other choice in the end.

I don't blame you. How were you to know that I really wanted you there? I never told you. I told you instead that it was fine that you went back into your room and did your thing. I thought I was being supportive of whatever project you were doing and you'd appreciate me for it.

So list that as a regret of mine -> not telling you these things. But I am going to learn to forgive myself this eventually because honestly I don't know that I recognized it at the time that my resentment over this was growing. I think I was so focused on being a good wife to support you while you pursued your dreams that I didnt stop to think that I was lonely. Or that I should have asked you to make time for these mundane things that I felt I had to shoulder alone.