Three things

I've noticed myself trying to find reasons why my relationship with Shawn may be ending soon, and each time I do, I realize that I'm seeing things that aren't really there. That made me wonder, this morning, what is motivating me to look for things that are wrong? Why am I undermining this like I sabotaged my marriage?

So I sat in today's team meeting and asked myself some direct questions.

What do I want?
1. I want to laugh and have things to look forward to
2. I want to love someone and be loved in return
3. I want to have a family

Really its that simple.

So as far as those three items relate to Shawn, I have the first with him. The second, I only have half of. I love him but he doesn't love me. Which is ok, really. We went into this with the notion that this was about right now and not the future and that there wouldn't be any expectations. It was my own stupid fault for falling in love, but I do that. But at the end, I don't have #2 requirement met. And #3 will never happen with Shawn, so that's not met either.

What does that mean?
1. My relationship with Shawn is short term and I have to keep that in mind so I'm not so dependent upon him for my happiness
2. I need to tone down on my feelings for him. To start, I need to make sure that neither I nor anyone else refers to him as my 'boyfriend'. We're friends, really. It makes me sad, but really that's what we went into this looking for and that's what it is. See a duck and call it a duck.
3. It shows some of the underlying reasons why I resent James so much right now. 'Family' wasn't his dream, he didn't even want it when it was presented to him, why does he get it and I don't?

What effect will the identifying those three things have on the short term?
1. Dunno. But I need to maybe start to focus on myself - things like running and goals like 3M and similar things that end up making me feel empty but are good distractions short term.
2. I need to refocus my brain off of Shawn. Distance myself from the places and people that are part of the shared world. I still want to be his friend, but I need to guard my sanity.
3. I want to work on my house. That's the best way to shore up my own psyche.

What effect will the identifying of those three things have on the long term?
1. Dunno. Not like one can go out and find someone worthy of my love and who would love me back. Not like one can go out and get a family, especially when one is single and broke. So lots of dunnos.
2. Need to be up front with my BFF M, who with her dearest heart, tries to make me feel better when I'm sad like this by reminding me that I'm part of her family, but it only makes it worse in some ways. Like denying a starving man food, but letting him look at other people eating. Its sometimes worse. She loves me, but she doesn't understand that part I think.

The other day in San Marcos when we went tubing, I nearly drowned. I went down a "chute" and got pulled under, swallowed some water, so much pain, I had no air in my lungs, and when I started to get my head out of the water, got pulled into the second chute and got pulled under again. I got to feel what drowning felt like. Luckily, I was able to get my feet lodged in a rock before I got pulled into the third chute or I would have really drowned. No lifeguards there and no one would have known til my brain had been gone. So now the memory of it is a new anxiety, but in a way its a good metaphor for right now. Its been a beautiful ride in the sunlight under the trees but in the end I'm pulled in the current out of control and if I don't find something to stick my foot into to stop this, I'll not make it out again.

-erin