Five year goals and volunteering

As you probably know, I have been struggling with several things:
1. Loneliness
2. Lack of a sense of purpose
3. Questions about whether I'm not meant to be a mom because of some cosmic purpose or whether just coincidence

Well I recently decided on two five year goals:
1. I will purchase the place I live
2. I will adopt a child by my 40th birthday

#1 means I need to figure out where I'm going to be living/working. If I am staying in this area, I could either buy a condo in Austin and therefore be closer to things to do and be around more single people and not have to deal with taking care of a yard and such a large house or else I could buy the house I'm living in. Buying the house I'm living in would give me advantages such as not having to figure out what to do about Monster and Finn so soon, not needing as large a down payment saved up, having equity from the start, not having moving expenses. So I decided this weekend that if I stay in Austin, which seems likely as CNN hasn't written me back, I will buy the house. Financially, its the smarter move even if emotionally it might not be. I will have to commute into Austin for entertainment and someday another job but oh well.


But #1 is necessary for #2. But there's also the question of whether I should be a mom or not that I have to answer first. So I'm thinking of volunteering at some kid-focused charities in the meantime. I'm going to start with Any Baby Can, but first do the older kids focused things like GED preparation tutoring http://www.abcaus.org/. I'm going to fill out my application today or tomorrow and see what they have to say.

I asked M her opinion on whether or not volunteering at ABC will be a bad idea considering my fragileness about child issues, and she didn't exactly answer until I said I would be helping the GED aged kids. She seems certain that won't be a bad idea, but her hesistating when I first brought up the subject I think is very telling. I was suspecting it myself. And it will be hard being with a charity that helps abused, impoverished, challenged and neglected kids because seeing that always makes me wonder why the universe has decided I'm not a good bet to give a kid to and some of these other lowlifes are, but maybe this is another one of those things I'm supposed to be learning something from.