How To

I have been since March trying to fill my every hour with some kind of event or activity to keep myself busy and the result is someone who is tired all of the time, losing her memory from lack of good sleep, a victim of anxiety dreams and maker of bad choices. Its true that a lack of quality sleep can quickly degrade the brain's ability to function, and I am an example of that and it scares me.

So tonight I am participating in "downtime". I did not go to exercise, partly for what I've said above and partly because I have one of the biggest headaches I've had in a long time. Instead, I went to the video store and rented two movies with the intention of working on my website while watching them in the background. Couldn't get into my website (my ip address has changed and its locked me out) and the first movie I rented is depressing so I've turned it off.

So here I am, alone in a quiet house with an hour before I should go to bed.

I was never good at being alone before. I guess I was hoping that knowing myself better now than I did before James would help me discover ways to cope with loneliness, but it hasn't.

I wish my head would stop hurting.

Chat with Missy

Missy!: love you

me: really?

Missy!: tons
you are one of my favorite people

me: missy what if i have dymensia already
i think in general i'm 2 minutes away from a real nervous breakdown

Missy!: then I will have fun playing games on you
don't take this the wrong way, but that is how it should be
you are in a very strange place
not comfortable
scary
and unknown
you should be feeling the way you are

me: i'm gonna use the EAP

Missy!: my friend Kate, who just went through a divorce said this "I have to feel this in order to get past it"
please do
i love the eap

Sent at 10:53 AM on Friday

Missy!: G is coming to Daisy
to cheer us on

me: that's awesome!

Missy!: [nose smile]

Sent at 10:57 AM on Friday

me: M the day is beautiful and I have friends and family that love me and I have a lot of fun things that are planned in the near future and a good job then why am I so unhappy?
why does the idea that i could have a heart attack at any minute not bother me
why does part of me wish i would

Missy!: because, like me, we are sensative to chemicals and our environment, I have the same feelings, great life but why am I unhappy, I often feel guilty for feeling unhappy
the best of days can be thrown with chemicals alone
then add stressful situations to the mix and we crumble
not that we aren't strong
maybe we are too strong

me: james hates me

Missy!: why do you say that?

me: no reason
maybe just bec i think he should

Nicolas

I scanned in a photo Mom had of me and my old dog Nicolas when he was a puppy. Nicolas was my third real failure as a friend. Maybe fourth if you include my failure to stand up for myself time and time again.

I think about him every Christmas when I pull out this tiger ornament which is a duplicate of one I had when Nicolas lived with me. He'd chewed it up and I got so mad at him, partly from that and partly from how desperately he needed me. I soon afterwards dumped him on my mom. It wasn't fair to him - he was a puppy and he loved me. But it was right after David and I couldn't handle anyone needing me that much.

He later got hit by a truck at mom's house.

But some happy memories -> he used to love to bury things he thought were valuable even when he couldn't bury them. Mom would give him rawhides and he was inside where he couldn't dig a hole, so he would wait til no one was watching and then he'd sneak into the living room and hide them in the potted plants or behind the curtains. And he had the cutest tail that wagged of any dog I've ever seen. If he was playing tug of war with you, you could forget winning. Scottie dogs definitely have locking jaws.

Photo of great significance to me

A friend of mine took this photo for me because he knows I love the geese in my park so much. He said he was going into the J.C. Penny store in Indiana, a two-story building, and there were two geese sitting on top of the building honking loudly at the people below and flapping their wings at everyone. He said it seemed odd partly because there was no body of water nearby and partly because of the noise and the way the birds were acting.

When he went to take the photo, one of the geese took off. He apologized that he didn't get the shot a little quicker, but I think the photo is poetic exactly as it is.


I am trying to listen to the lesson the geese had to tell.

I need a haircut

Several things:
1. I can't apparently do the Bison stampede as they're not doing that anymore. I will however be doing the turkey trot and other 10ks in November.
2. I moved my blog from the old address to this new one for many reasons that are generally unimportant. I unfortunately could not get "halfaworldaway" which is the one I really wanted, so I may be moving it again when I find another phrase I find equally as significant to me. What I don't understand is it doesn't seem like anyone is using halfaworldaway so there are domain squatters on blogspot too, grrr.
2.5 I'm going to try to not use real names in posts anymore and I'm gonna try to clean up the posts I've already made.
3. I generally feel good about my life and the changes I've made. But sometimes I don't know if it is enough.
4. This weekend I am doing TWO 5Ks. The Chuy's one and one on mother's day called "the daisy". I'm doing this one for M because she is one of my favorite moms. She's not my mom specifically, but she's one of my favorite moms. And I am going to grow up and get over my not-being-able-to-be-a-mom-myself fixation, at least for this weekend. Ok ok I'm gonna try to get over it :p