Regret #3

I should have made a big deal about our anniversary. It was the only holiday that was about "us" being an "us".

Why I like to eat out

In trying to solve my struggle with weight loss, I've been trying to tackle the question of why I like to eat out. I always feel guilty afterwards, I can't afford it, so why do I keep doing it?

I think its because I'm so lonely. Because for a moment, other humans are interacting with you. They have to be nice to you, and then afterwards you get that warm glow any animal would get from food in the belly.

But then its over.

So I need to think past that so I can stop eating out and save some money.

Ridiculously stupid

You want to hear something incredibly pitiful?

Even though I've quit, I don't want to delete my ffxi character because I have all the carnations and the ash club+1 that you gave me and I don't want those to go away.

Today is a bit better

Partly because the day was half gone with meetings. I have a black cloud around me, but its not as bad as it was on Friday.

Will you ever read these? Unlikely. But its helping me to explain this to you, because I never could get these thoughts out verbally and never all at once. They were so overwhelming its like the small path from my brain to my mouth clogged up and nothing got out.

Remember when you used to get mad and say you never got to see your friends because you lived all the way out here? I thought you wanted a house with an office. I thought this is what you wanted. When my parents asked if we wanted to live in a house here you were excited about it, and then you made me feel guilty for it, as if it was my fault we were cut off from everyone, as if it was my fault we were wilting. I tried to give you everything you wanted but it was never enough to see you flourish.

So when you emailed me the other day to say you were taking up leadership positions at work and seeing someone new and you sounded so strong and so happy I knew it was true, that I was the reason you were so unhappy for so long. As much as I loved you and tried everything I knew how to make you happy it wasn't good enough. My best effort failed.

Making bread

Going through the HEB tonight, I kept having visions of tomorrow at the work Xmas party where I will surely see my coworkers leaving the bread I made on their plates, one bite taken, the rest discarded. Keep thinking of how they will be politely trying to not tell me how awful is the food I made and I'm remembering why I was so scared to make birthday cakes.

I didn't want to fail again. I couldn't take seeing that look on your face but you'd always try to eat enough of what I made for a good show, but I could see it. That's if I could get the food out of the pan. I think I'm the only human that had to throw out a bundt pan when making a box cake.

So I stopped. Stopped trying to cook, stopped at a lot of things. Stopped trying to look pretty, stopped trying to impress you.

Why did it matter so much to me that you were impressed? Why did I have to prove something this way? This was a flaw in myself, that I wanted you to tell other people how good I was at something, that I wanted to see the respect in your eyes. That somehow, through you, I would respect myself finally.

Ok enough trying to figure this out. Finn just walked in here smacking his poop snack and brought me back into the pitiful present. I yelled at him to get out so he checked his dick. That made me yell again, so he checked his butt.

He's very much a Finn Dog.

edit: like all my baking endeavors, I gathered my courage to go make bread (even though I was out of one of the ingredients, as usual) and found out that I have no mixer. I'd forgotten I'd taken it to your apt for the last pizza you would ever make me. So tomorrow, early, I'm getting up and going to HEB to buy bread.

day 2

Haven't experienced a lighter mood, but I have experienced the side effects so far, especially the drowsiness. I think I'm yawning like every other minute. It made today a really long day at work. I came home at lunch and took a nap.

Still haven't exercised since like Wednesday. I'm worried about that a lot, but Michelle really wants me to meet her for dinner at Chuys and with everything going on with her right now, I can't turn her down.

Tonight I'm supposed to make bread for a Xmas party at work. I told myself I'm actually going to do it and not get tired and depressed and end up buying bread at HEB.

I was going through the pantry looking for ingredients for the bread and saw a cake mix and birthday candles I'd bought to make a cake for your birthday James. List that as a number two regret.

Why was I so afraid?

medicated

Today I started the Cymbalta. I'm hoping that this will stop me from sabotaging anything that may come into my life in the future that is good.

Its twice a day, associated with liver problems, but I'm supposed to check in with the dr in a month and I guess he'll check that. At least this one isn't associated with massive weight gain like the last one he prescribed me; that wouldn't help my happiness at all. A friend of mine is on this same med and she seems like she's had a total turn around. Right now I wouldn't care if my personality took a complete 180. I need something to help me get through the next 50 years.

Oh and this one can cause drowsiness. uh-oh.

I've already been sleeping a lot, but that's ok. There's nothing interesting to be awake for anyway.

Bleh, my stomach hurts. And despite what people say, dark chocolate is not yummy

:-@~~~~

raking leaves

Today has been a better day. Though the grey clouds are still on the horizon, I'm not crying nonstop and that's a positive. I've been working a little on my freelance project, logged into ffxi to begin the big gear sell-off so when I cancel the account I can give my remaining friends my gil and certain pieces of gear, went to Home Depot to pick up paint chips for the exterior house paint project I'll be doing during Xmas, and I raked leaves.

Raking leaves helped me remember some of why the marriage fell apart.

I remembered raking leaves each year by myself and resenting you being inside playing games, surfing the internet or doing "work" instead of making time to do things with me. These were the times when I convinced myself there was no longer a "team".

But today, I realized that I should have come out and said "I would really like it if you would take time to help me in the yard. It won't be as painful if we do it together." Instead, I quietly went out alone and resented you for not reading my heart.

In fact I should have asked you to accompany me more often instead of letting you go back into your office to "work". I should have told you how much it would have meant to me to have you there with me while I did all the home maintenance or gone with me on my walks. Maybe if you'd been there I wouldn't have talked myself into believing that there was no other choice in the end.

I don't blame you. How were you to know that I really wanted you there? I never told you. I told you instead that it was fine that you went back into your room and did your thing. I thought I was being supportive of whatever project you were doing and you'd appreciate me for it.

So list that as a regret of mine -> not telling you these things. But I am going to learn to forgive myself this eventually because honestly I don't know that I recognized it at the time that my resentment over this was growing. I think I was so focused on being a good wife to support you while you pursued your dreams that I didnt stop to think that I was lonely. Or that I should have asked you to make time for these mundane things that I felt I had to shoulder alone.

I am a monster

Dear James,

I am so very sorry. I was at R's tonight pacing in her house trapped following the ghost of you around realizing the hell I put you through. I dont know why it took me this long to recognize what I'd done. I don't know why I finally feel like I'm waking up as if from a dream. How could I have done something so horrible to the man who loved me? How does God continue to let someone like me live?

I know you don't read this but maybe someday you will and I want you to know that you never deserved this and I don't want to write this to you directly bec you've finally freed yourself of me and I don't want to pull you back into my misery.

I still love you so much and because of that I have to let you go. I am a horrible horrible waste of flesh and you never deserved the hell of being with me, I'm sorry.

I pray God will make my heart stop beating so I don't have to look at myself in the mirror again. I am so very sorry.

e

love affair

I have always and will likely continue to have a lifelong love affair with self hatred. This romance is in full bloom right now and is scented with self destruction, guilt and bitter remorse.

I've mostly accepted that my life, for most purposes, is over and I'm waiting for the universe to take pity on me finally. But like the knight in Seventh Sign, I am hoping that I'm given the chance to do one good thing.