I am a monster

Dear James,

I am so very sorry. I was at R's tonight pacing in her house trapped following the ghost of you around realizing the hell I put you through. I dont know why it took me this long to recognize what I'd done. I don't know why I finally feel like I'm waking up as if from a dream. How could I have done something so horrible to the man who loved me? How does God continue to let someone like me live?

I know you don't read this but maybe someday you will and I want you to know that you never deserved this and I don't want to write this to you directly bec you've finally freed yourself of me and I don't want to pull you back into my misery.

I still love you so much and because of that I have to let you go. I am a horrible horrible waste of flesh and you never deserved the hell of being with me, I'm sorry.

I pray God will make my heart stop beating so I don't have to look at myself in the mirror again. I am so very sorry.

e