Spiderwebs and randomness

I spend a lot of time thinking that I am a random creature in this universe of chemistry and that I am disconnected from any strands of destiny or divinity, only following a path of habit into old age and eventually death and nothingness.

But its come to my attention recently that there's less randomness about the universe that I'd suspected.

1. I've for some time been aware that it is not necessarily the spider I am afraid of but the spider web and some of my most primal nightmares, the ones where there are no defined images or sounds, just a vague feeling of terror are generally laced with spiderwebs caught in my head and choking my throat, catching my fingers.

2. I have just recently realized the connection between this and the physical architecture of the endometriosis that is consuming my insides. The picture the doctor had shown me after surgery has returned to my memory and I realize it is very much blooded spiderwebs that stretch across the walls that keep me from having children.

3. It is also spiderwebs that is the best metaphor I can think of for describing the depression I go through when I can't think or breathe or even see.

Walking a balance beam with weak ankles

I feel like this lately.

'Self-gifting'

It IS ok to pick the present you brought. At least according to an article in the Statesman entitled 'Self-gifting' is growing

Yay! validation.

White Elephants

Erin's Pet Peeves:

1. Grown women who carry purses or backpacks shaped like stuffed animals. I was in line to get my Claritin-D behind an age 40+ lady with a fluffy beagle purse, and as I had no Claritin-D in my system for two days, I had visions in my brain to break into her house in the middle of the night and replace her purse with a real taxidermy dog with handles stapled to the sides.

2. White Elephant Xmas gift exchanges. This tactless forced office social event where you get to steal other people's gifts represents to me everything that is wrong with America.

3. Chinese gift exchanges, which is the exact same as #2 but with the bonus of a racial slur. Yay bonus!

4. Rackspace managed hosting.

5. People talking with pride about the thousands of Xmas lights they've thrown over their bushes to outdo their neighbors. Yay fossil fuels!



So I had to participate in said "white elephant" gift exchange today where you have to bring a $15 present. But I've been quite busy what with #4 (above) screwing me in every way possible that there is to screw someone so instead of shopping for a gift, I went to HEB and bought a $15 gift card. Unfortunately it doesn't come in a nice package, so I stuck it in a manilla envelope and tossed it on the counter with all the shiny, well-wrapped presents as I headed for the pot luck.

I drew a "#6" from the 18 possible numbers in the cup so I got to go pretty close to the beginning. I watched the first 5 get things like candle holders, strangely flavored coffee beans and paperweights and I'm thinking, 'you know, they're wrapped pretty, but they're still crap. I want that $15 gift card to HEB'. So of course that's what I picked when it was my turn. Do you think its tacky to pick the present you brought? Hmmm...

Anyway, as anyone who went after me got the opportunity to "steal" my card, I used one of my best talents which is invisibility and distraction. Also it was in a non-descript manilla envelope so the remaining participants when looking for presents to take tended to pass over this one, protected as it was by my subversive magic talents.

My co-worker Tim, at the end, smiled at me knowingly and said "So, did you get the gift you wanted?" I smiled back with my biggest smile and said "Uh-huh"

I forget you don't expect an easy answer

She didn't think of the pain in her legs from staying still for so long, couldn't focus on the time passing, didn't notice the birds rustle in the trees above her. All she could focus on was him.

He moved as if he drew power from the ground itself.

Quote from James on his birthday

"It will be nice next week when I can sit on my motorcycle and not have to make all the noises myself."

complicated

I don't know who I am anymore. They're outsourcing more and more of my site everyday. I have no career path and I don't think anyone cares that this slow drain of my site bothers me. This site is who I am. Its what I've worked on for the past 4 years and its slowly being given away to vendors who do a shitty job. They're taking away the only thing I've managed to create in my whole life.

I'm unable to create children. I failed as a writer. Can't cook. Can't draw. This was the one thing that I'd made and its going away. I am so lost.

why do i bother?

they're outsourcing more of my site to more vendors that are less competent than myself. *again*

by the end of the year i imagine, all that will be left of my site is a page of links to other people's websites.

purpose of life

i'm starting to think midlife crisis is not necessarily when you realize you're getting old, nor is it something biological where you realize you're running out of time.

i think its when either
a. you realize that your goals in life are changing
-or-
b. you realize that the purpose of life is nothing like what you imagined it to be before

i'm leaning toward #b.

when i was in highschool thinking about college i wanted to go into chemistry so that i could work on a cure for aids or cancer or something important. then later i wanted to be a writer so that lots of people could read the stories i wrote and i could invent glamorous places and things to make people think and dream.

recently i've realized none of those are meaningful. its all background noise.

what i want from my life is to feel the sun on my face. to hear a bird up in the sky crying out. to do new things with my friends and to laugh with them. to show the beauty of the world to someone new and tell them about all the wonderful things there are on this planet. to squish playdoh in my fingers. to get runner's high and feel strength in my legs. to braid a little girl's hair and play with ribbons or hotwheels and crayons. i want to have a dream again, which i haven't done in a long time. to feel the wind against my skin.


i dont know what will happen between james and i. he got upset with me again but i think we had a good talk. i was honest about some things which were probably hard for him to hear, but i think was good for me to say - good for both me and him. i think i helped him to stop focusing on our marriage as the source of all his unhappiness and maybe question his own life and goals and see if its that. maybe its not... maybe it is all me and he'd be happier with someone else, i dont know. and i got to apologize for the statement i made the last time we talked where i'd said there was nothing memorable about our marriage. that was a wrong statement. i wouldn't trade the past 12 years for anything.

sad day

Everywhere I go there's someone with a kid.

Friday night when we went to go get Sam, we were waiting in the car and saw a couple houses down a guy pulling his 3-4 year old hard by the arm yelling at him, pushed him into the car and then kicked the kid. Why do people like that get to have kids and I can't?

A long time ago, I used to be afraid of having kids in case I might have a kid someday that wasn't 'normal', but the other day I saw a grandma in the grocery store chatting along with a Down's syndrome baby and the little kid was looking up at her with so much love and I realized I didn't care anymore. I just wanted someone to show the world to, how beautiful the clouds are, how neat it is when a kitten purrs by your neck, legos and bicycles and swimming. My friend Mero just bought his 3 (4?) year old a new bike and spent Saturday teaching him how to ride it and I am so envious, and I'll never get to do this.

James doesn't want to adopt.

More Than The Sky

I'm not sure if my life is falling apart or getting better. even though i've been struggling with not wanting to be married anymore, my husband is wonderful and supportive and he's trying everything to be part of my life. how do you split from that?

but then again, how do you find purpose in a married life in suburbia when you're infertile and you're surrounded by people that constantly tell you how perfect and fulfilling their life is now that they've had kids and all you can think of is that if you go join the Red Cross or something where you can be actively helping people maybe you wouldn't feel like such a waste of flesh.

I know these people mean well but the next one that tells me that "there's nothing like it (raising kids)" I'm gonna punch him/her in the gut.

And my trip to the head shrink didn't help. She was nice and all, but she didn't give me any answers. I guess what I was looking for was a cult leader. I want someone to say "well of course its obvious what you should do. You should ...." I wasn't looking for a "and how does that make you feel?" type thing. But at least I tried.

Oh and I didn't tell you I bought a wind surf board. Just the board, not the mast, bow, sail, etc. I'm doing a piece at a time as I'm short on funds. I can't wait to surf again.

avast!

Ok I dreamt last night that my neighbors were moving to Belize. Don't know where the idea of Belize has come from - haven't watched TV or seen any internet stories about it or spoken to anyone about that country and even though I've heard the word before it was never really in my conscious thoughts - but for whatever reason I dreamt about it, so I went and looked it up this morning and I've decided its my next vacation destination.

Here is a link to the hotel I'm hoping to book: http://www.corozalbayinn.com/resort_photos.htm

Here is another link: http://www.toucantrail.com/Belize-on-a-Budget/Offshore-Cayes.html.

Next quest is to find a book on Belize travel to find out when the rainy season is so I can decide when to get reservations. I'll let you know soon.

Sept Windsurfing

So I've always wanted to learn how to windsurf, and I've decided now is the time. This is a link to the place that teaches the lessons in Corpus: www.worldwinds.net

Katherine, Rebecca and I are going to be staying in a hotel a block from the beach and on Saturday at noon, Rebecca and I will be taking the class (Katherine will be sitting on the beach looking gorgeous) The class is in the water with the boards. I'm so excited.

blowing a kiss

Sam went with me to Cycle Shop today to help me pick out my new helmet this is it: http://www.ridegear.com/rg/alt_images?mv_arg=F-26533

Its just like Rebecca's and I had to call her and apologize, but really its her fault, because I called her twice before I was gonna buy it to make sure she wouldn't be upset that I'd have the same helmet she has, but she didn't answer the phone. Also hers is one size smaller because of my big head. So I absolve myself from any guilt over the helmet's similarity to Rebecca's. But really it was the only choice. I looked at all the styles (they had a book there of complete designs) and this one was clearly the best.

Next month (September) I'm gonna take her to help me purchase the right kind of jacket. Also that same month I'll be going to Corpus with her and Katherine on a girl's vacation where we'll learn to wind surf. By this point she'll likely be tired of me. :) (j/k as if that's even possible)

Then in October I take the driving class in Hutto and if everything goes well, I will be getting my birthday present at the Honda store :) http://powersports.honda.com/motorcycles/sport/model.asp?ModelName=599&ModelYear=2006&ModelId=CB600F6

They have one at the dealer near my house and I've visited her and she's perfect. If it works out, I have a name picked out.

(edit: this was rebecca's response)
The best thing about the helmet is the heart right over your lips, so it looks like you are blowing a kiss.

my tattoo

Ok so I've been talking about getting a tattoo for over a year now, and its been the same design i've wanted this whole time, so I'm no longer worried if I'll like it in a couple years, so I'm set now to get it probably in August.

So the question is where?

VOTE NOW:
1. back - left shoulder blade
2. front - chest under the left shoulder (like rebecca's)
3. hip

(edit: this was katherine's response to the mass email I sent out - and this is the final decision, even if it wasn't one of the above choices)
i'm with Lon, i like my 2 on my spine/lower back and am contemplating adding 2 more (a tradition star and wings) on my back as well.
i'm not sure what your design is, but have you given any thought to centering it along your spine?

first post

To begin I'm posting some of the events leading up to my new life that I have, until this point, put into email form. Some of you may have seen they already, and for the tedious repetition, I apologize. I'll start adding new stuff soon.