purpose of life

i'm starting to think midlife crisis is not necessarily when you realize you're getting old, nor is it something biological where you realize you're running out of time.

i think its when either
a. you realize that your goals in life are changing
-or-
b. you realize that the purpose of life is nothing like what you imagined it to be before

i'm leaning toward #b.

when i was in highschool thinking about college i wanted to go into chemistry so that i could work on a cure for aids or cancer or something important. then later i wanted to be a writer so that lots of people could read the stories i wrote and i could invent glamorous places and things to make people think and dream.

recently i've realized none of those are meaningful. its all background noise.

what i want from my life is to feel the sun on my face. to hear a bird up in the sky crying out. to do new things with my friends and to laugh with them. to show the beauty of the world to someone new and tell them about all the wonderful things there are on this planet. to squish playdoh in my fingers. to get runner's high and feel strength in my legs. to braid a little girl's hair and play with ribbons or hotwheels and crayons. i want to have a dream again, which i haven't done in a long time. to feel the wind against my skin.


i dont know what will happen between james and i. he got upset with me again but i think we had a good talk. i was honest about some things which were probably hard for him to hear, but i think was good for me to say - good for both me and him. i think i helped him to stop focusing on our marriage as the source of all his unhappiness and maybe question his own life and goals and see if its that. maybe its not... maybe it is all me and he'd be happier with someone else, i dont know. and i got to apologize for the statement i made the last time we talked where i'd said there was nothing memorable about our marriage. that was a wrong statement. i wouldn't trade the past 12 years for anything.