Today at the park

Today I went to the park to think, instead of run which is usually why I go to the park at lunchtime. The reality of things are starting to sink in and I wanted to use this time for quiet.

Ever since Sunday its been really hard to concentrate on what has happened, even though I know it to be a fact, I can't force myself to comprehend the enormity of it. I've always been like this though with big tragic events, which probably makes me good to have in a pinch - my brain stores the bigger picture in a little box in the back for later so I can deal with getting through it. Then, several days later, it hits.

I know this is the right thing even though it is incredibly hard. I know this is something I have to do. And I keep trying to remember those two things and keep them as pillars around which I continue with everything else. Its just so hard and I'm so afraid of losing him completely. Selfishly I hope that he comes to understand why I've done what I've done and not just blanket hate me for it.

I'm generally pretty self-aware but never before have I been so atuned to everything as sharply as I am now. I notice symbols in the music I hear, notice details in nature that almost seem to be speaking to me personally. Don't get me wrong, I'm not assuming the world is magic somehow and is shifting these things for me; its more that I am noticing things because of the mindset I'm in, things that my brain feels might offer me some insight - like the Radiohead song. I've heard it before, its been in my itunes library since I got itunes. But now it means something very different to me and I hear it everywhere I go, even though it is an older song, because, I think, my subconscious identifies with it, and it picks it out from the background. But it startles me that the song is everywhere. It does seem to be more than random.

The tree (above) with the twisted roots, I've seen before a bunch, but now it stood out for me as something to notice. I thought of Golem who, in the Lord of the Rings, was obsessed with the roots of things, wanted to follow streams and trees and mountains to their roots, and I think that is a good metaphor for myself right now. I want to find the origins for my life as it is now, understand beginnings, because I am currently in one.

I have spent most of my life looking for answers in other people and right now I need to find those answers within myself, so I think I'm gonna focus on being alone these next couple days. I might even go stay somewhere quiet with no internet and figure out where my life is headed. Rebecca and Jeff have offered to let me stay at their house while they're gone next week and I might do that. And I'm very tempted to rent a cabin out at Inks Lake, where there's no internet, and sit in a chair and stare at the water. I think I need to be near water.