I forget you don't expect an easy answer

She didn't think of the pain in her legs from staying still for so long, couldn't focus on the time passing, didn't notice the birds rustle in the trees above her. All she could focus on was him.

He moved as if he drew power from the ground itself.

Quote from James on his birthday

"It will be nice next week when I can sit on my motorcycle and not have to make all the noises myself."

complicated

I don't know who I am anymore. They're outsourcing more and more of my site everyday. I have no career path and I don't think anyone cares that this slow drain of my site bothers me. This site is who I am. Its what I've worked on for the past 4 years and its slowly being given away to vendors who do a shitty job. They're taking away the only thing I've managed to create in my whole life.

I'm unable to create children. I failed as a writer. Can't cook. Can't draw. This was the one thing that I'd made and its going away. I am so lost.

why do i bother?

they're outsourcing more of my site to more vendors that are less competent than myself. *again*

by the end of the year i imagine, all that will be left of my site is a page of links to other people's websites.

purpose of life

i'm starting to think midlife crisis is not necessarily when you realize you're getting old, nor is it something biological where you realize you're running out of time.

i think its when either
a. you realize that your goals in life are changing
-or-
b. you realize that the purpose of life is nothing like what you imagined it to be before

i'm leaning toward #b.

when i was in highschool thinking about college i wanted to go into chemistry so that i could work on a cure for aids or cancer or something important. then later i wanted to be a writer so that lots of people could read the stories i wrote and i could invent glamorous places and things to make people think and dream.

recently i've realized none of those are meaningful. its all background noise.

what i want from my life is to feel the sun on my face. to hear a bird up in the sky crying out. to do new things with my friends and to laugh with them. to show the beauty of the world to someone new and tell them about all the wonderful things there are on this planet. to squish playdoh in my fingers. to get runner's high and feel strength in my legs. to braid a little girl's hair and play with ribbons or hotwheels and crayons. i want to have a dream again, which i haven't done in a long time. to feel the wind against my skin.


i dont know what will happen between james and i. he got upset with me again but i think we had a good talk. i was honest about some things which were probably hard for him to hear, but i think was good for me to say - good for both me and him. i think i helped him to stop focusing on our marriage as the source of all his unhappiness and maybe question his own life and goals and see if its that. maybe its not... maybe it is all me and he'd be happier with someone else, i dont know. and i got to apologize for the statement i made the last time we talked where i'd said there was nothing memorable about our marriage. that was a wrong statement. i wouldn't trade the past 12 years for anything.

sad day

Everywhere I go there's someone with a kid.

Friday night when we went to go get Sam, we were waiting in the car and saw a couple houses down a guy pulling his 3-4 year old hard by the arm yelling at him, pushed him into the car and then kicked the kid. Why do people like that get to have kids and I can't?

A long time ago, I used to be afraid of having kids in case I might have a kid someday that wasn't 'normal', but the other day I saw a grandma in the grocery store chatting along with a Down's syndrome baby and the little kid was looking up at her with so much love and I realized I didn't care anymore. I just wanted someone to show the world to, how beautiful the clouds are, how neat it is when a kitten purrs by your neck, legos and bicycles and swimming. My friend Mero just bought his 3 (4?) year old a new bike and spent Saturday teaching him how to ride it and I am so envious, and I'll never get to do this.

James doesn't want to adopt.