Spiderwebs and randomness

I spend a lot of time thinking that I am a random creature in this universe of chemistry and that I am disconnected from any strands of destiny or divinity, only following a path of habit into old age and eventually death and nothingness.

But its come to my attention recently that there's less randomness about the universe that I'd suspected.

1. I've for some time been aware that it is not necessarily the spider I am afraid of but the spider web and some of my most primal nightmares, the ones where there are no defined images or sounds, just a vague feeling of terror are generally laced with spiderwebs caught in my head and choking my throat, catching my fingers.

2. I have just recently realized the connection between this and the physical architecture of the endometriosis that is consuming my insides. The picture the doctor had shown me after surgery has returned to my memory and I realize it is very much blooded spiderwebs that stretch across the walls that keep me from having children.

3. It is also spiderwebs that is the best metaphor I can think of for describing the depression I go through when I can't think or breathe or even see.

Walking a balance beam with weak ankles

I feel like this lately.

'Self-gifting'

It IS ok to pick the present you brought. At least according to an article in the Statesman entitled 'Self-gifting' is growing

Yay! validation.

White Elephants

Erin's Pet Peeves:

1. Grown women who carry purses or backpacks shaped like stuffed animals. I was in line to get my Claritin-D behind an age 40+ lady with a fluffy beagle purse, and as I had no Claritin-D in my system for two days, I had visions in my brain to break into her house in the middle of the night and replace her purse with a real taxidermy dog with handles stapled to the sides.

2. White Elephant Xmas gift exchanges. This tactless forced office social event where you get to steal other people's gifts represents to me everything that is wrong with America.

3. Chinese gift exchanges, which is the exact same as #2 but with the bonus of a racial slur. Yay bonus!

4. Rackspace managed hosting.

5. People talking with pride about the thousands of Xmas lights they've thrown over their bushes to outdo their neighbors. Yay fossil fuels!



So I had to participate in said "white elephant" gift exchange today where you have to bring a $15 present. But I've been quite busy what with #4 (above) screwing me in every way possible that there is to screw someone so instead of shopping for a gift, I went to HEB and bought a $15 gift card. Unfortunately it doesn't come in a nice package, so I stuck it in a manilla envelope and tossed it on the counter with all the shiny, well-wrapped presents as I headed for the pot luck.

I drew a "#6" from the 18 possible numbers in the cup so I got to go pretty close to the beginning. I watched the first 5 get things like candle holders, strangely flavored coffee beans and paperweights and I'm thinking, 'you know, they're wrapped pretty, but they're still crap. I want that $15 gift card to HEB'. So of course that's what I picked when it was my turn. Do you think its tacky to pick the present you brought? Hmmm...

Anyway, as anyone who went after me got the opportunity to "steal" my card, I used one of my best talents which is invisibility and distraction. Also it was in a non-descript manilla envelope so the remaining participants when looking for presents to take tended to pass over this one, protected as it was by my subversive magic talents.

My co-worker Tim, at the end, smiled at me knowingly and said "So, did you get the gift you wanted?" I smiled back with my biggest smile and said "Uh-huh"